Naomi was talking in the back of the van as we drove to Target. I was just barely listening to her constant flow of words and questions. I mostly just said "right." when she said "right, Mommy?" Then I heard her say "Because Grandma is a better Mommy than you." My pride was a little hurt. But I thought for a second and said "yes, Grandma is a better Mommy than me. She has had more practice than me. I'm still learning." We got out of the car and moved on with our busy life.
It was morning. It was time for the boys to take their naps and Naomi to "do her list". I needed to switch the laundry first so I went in to the laundry room. Of course, all three kids followed me. As I put the dark load into the dryer Asher closed the laundry room door. Isaiah was outside and started crying. I told Naomi to open the door. She did. As I put the colored load into the washer I notice that Asher is trying to close the door again. But Isaiah is half way in the door and Asher is squishing him. I react. With anger. I scream and grab Asher. I scoop him up and angrily haul him up the stair and dump him in his crib. That's where he was headed anyway, right? I close the door (just shy of slamming it) on a screaming Asher to rush downstairs to a crying Isaiah. I scoop up Isaiah and cuddle him close. I am sick. Anger is turning my stomach. Slowly it softens to hurt. Hurt for Isaiah who is in pain. Hurt for Asher who is upset and confused. Then if softens even more to regret. I reacted very badly. I set down Isaiah, ask Naomi to play with him, and go upstairs to Asher. I owe him an apology - but how do you apologize to a 2 year old? I bring his favorite book into his room and offer to read it to him if he will sit down in his crib. He stands in the corner of the crib looking away from me as he tries to control his hysterics. How did he learn such "manly" coping skills? Finally I decide he will not calm down inside his crib so I give in and take him out. We sit on the floor and read the book. Twice. Then we build a tower with blocks. Then I tell him it's time to go to bed and he walks toward his crib. He goes in OK, but then bursts into tears again. I try leaving him alone for a while.
No morning naptime today. Which translates to no shower for Mom. Which translates to yuck.
Mothers instinctively protect their babies. So what are your instincts when one baby is hurting the other?
I am still learning. I am so sorry for my anger. I pray that I will learn from this and be able to react without anger next time. I pray that I can get over my instincts and be a calm, cool Mom. I pray for forgiveness. I cry.