Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Bedrest: How It Feels

My ears and hips and head have gotten over their initial soreness from laying around all day. These days, instead of having a headache when I lay down too long, I get a headache when I stand up.

Guilt. I feel tons of guilt. Every time somebody cries and I can't help at all. Every time Richard is having one of those (common with three kids) moments when he's overwhelmed by multiple needs from multiple children all at once. Every time something cute is going on in the other room and all I can do is lay here and listen. Every time there's a mess I can't clean up. Every time somebody is here helping in whatever sweet way they can. Every time someone calls and mentions they've been thinking/worrying about me. Pretty much all the time.

Worry. I worry about Samuel, of course. And how scary going into labor will be this time - whenever it happens. And what if something else goes wrong before I go into labor? I worry about Isaiah because he's the one who's handling this whole situation the worst. I worry for the nanny because Isaiah is such a basket case right now. I worry about blood clots in my legs because I don't move enough. I worry about how flabby and weak I'm going to be when I eventually get off bedrest. Pretty much about everything. There's not much else to do, ya know? Not much to keep my mind off these things.

Boring. I don't think I need to elaborate much there.

Lonely. It's weird that I haven't talked to any random people. Is it crazy that I miss seeing people I don't even know at the grocery store or Target or whatever? I guess maybe isolated is the right word.

I'd be lying if I didn't admit that sometimes it's nice. But only for a fleeting second here or there.

Weird. Weird to think that I haven't so much as walked into the kitchen in weeks. Or switched any laundry. Or tucked any children into bed. I feel a bit like I'm not myself since I haven't done any of those things. Those things really identify me as me at this stage in my life.

But, I am still taking care of a baby. I'm just doing it by laying around all day. I'm still me. I'm just me, horizontally!


ladyshanae said...

Like you said - you are taking care of a baby the best way you can. Unfortunately it is creating a problem taking care of your other babies, but you are giving many people (including your husband) an opportunity to serve. :)

Even though I did not have to be on bed rest nearly as long as you will, I have a glimpse of what it is like and, yeah, it sucks in so many ways. And I am very sorry you have to go through it :(

Love you lots and thinking/praying/etc. for you from afar. :)


erica said...

I really appreciate how honest you're being about this time. some people may be inclined to emote false feelings to prove they are above feeling the hard to feel feelings. (wheew - feelings). I wish I could come up with a way for you to pass the time, but really, it just sounds rotten. here's hoping that time flies and that your baby man feels snuggly and secure for the long haul!

Anonymous said...