Feeling Blessed

Just a quick update to let you know that I'm doing fine. Everything went flawlessly yesterday. Today I'm feeling OK (not great, but OK). Richard is taking the kids out for some active fun this morning in the hopes of wearing them out really well. Then he'll head off to work at lunchtime and hopefully I can handle the rest of the day with lots of TV and an easy dinner.

I feel that this situation, as bad as it was, really happened in the best possible way. I'm glad I figured out what was going on before my trip to Utah. I'm glad I had the trip planned. I'm glad I went. I'm glad I had that time to emotionally deal with it. I'm glad the D&C was scheduled for so soon after my return. I'm glad there were no problems with the surgery. I'm glad so many friends were able to help. I'm glad I have supportive family and friends.

Some Thoughts

*These are very personal thoughts. Some people, I suppose, could be offended or think I'm crazy for sharing these. I guess I'm just not really a private person.*

So, my body has not "taken care of things itself" as we hoped it would. I am scheduled to have a D&C on Thursday. My dear friends in the ward have stepped up by the mounds and offered much help. The kids will have a fun day, and not really even be aware that anything is going on with Mommy. We'll just tell them something like "Mommy is a little sick and needs to go to the Dr.". I have an appointment tomorrow to talk through the details with my Dr. I'm relieved to know it will be him who actually performs the procedure because I trust him completely.

I've felt a little like there's a time-bomb set inside of me and I'm just waiting for it to go off. Sometimes I just hope it will blow and get it over with. Other times I'm relieved that I'm just having a "more sure" surgery to deal with it. Either way, I'm glad to see an end in sight.

In some ways, this has been easier to deal with for me than a baby who didn't live long enough to see the world. But it's still some seriously heavy emotion. I still feel pretty ripped off and hurt. 10 weeks is certainly long enough to "fall in love" with whatever is in your belly. Just because it turned out to be nothing but tissue and such, doesn't mean I don't still feel a loss of love. I'm so glad I had the time in Utah to deal with the heavier side of my feelings. Now I feel like I can focus on the arrangements and such that need to be taken care of for me to take another "day off" Motherhood.

I am very comforted by the thought that it has, so far, been pretty easy for me to get pregnant. We'll just take this as a small step back, and try again soon. I hope and pray that the Lord will continue to bless me with fertility so that I can continue to bring His sweet little souls to this Earth and raise them the best I can. This only makes me more determined to get my "big family" that I desire.

Highlights of My Trip to Utah

I'm happily back home again. But I'd better catch up on pictures by showing you some highlights of my trip.

Here you see a (poorly taken at a weird angle by little Haley) picture of my sister, Angela, and I. We are wearing the same brand and style of pants and shirt as each other, just in different colors. No, we did not plan it. We tend to dress our children in the same clothes, too. ...Great minds, ya know?

The main reason for this trip was to see my friends Janae get married in the Salt Lake Temple. Her reception that night was lovely, too. I'm so glad I could be there for her, just like she was there for me at my wedding. She was so happy. She kept saying "I'm married!"

We also had a pizza party one night with Richard's sister, Nancy, and fam. I was honored to meet baby Robbie for the first time. He is just about the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. I just couldn't stop looking at him. And it was so good to see Nancy, Chris and fam. (For you Ashurst's who are wondering why Nancy and Chris were in Utah - it's not that Nancy and Chris. Richard's sister, Nancy, is married to Chris. That's right - two sets of Nancy and Chris's.)

Here's a clump of Qshurst-McGee kids mingling with Clark kids (Nancy and Chris's fam). They bonded over computer games.

Here I am enjoying a very entertaining game of Apples to Apples with Roscoe and Logan. The highlight was apparently when I chose "Ronald McDonald" for the word "Sexy". In my defense, the only other option was "Barbies". Roscoe may be teasing me about this for decades.

It was a truly wonderful trip. I had plenty of time to play, but also plenty of solitary time to think and pray and mourn and heal. A big thank you to my wonderful hosts. And to Richard for letting me go. And to Margaret for helping with the kids. What a wonderful family I have.

Good Day

Today I am in Utah with my sister Angela. This morning I attended my ex-mission-companions wedding in the Salt Lake temple. It was beautiful. It was a fabulous Springy day here and I enjoyed sitting on the grounds of the temple and listening to birds sing, family's reunite and chat, and the feeling of closeness to the Lord. I saw my mission President and his wife for the first time since my mission. It was so good to see them. Tonight, Ang and I will go to the reception for my friend. It's supposed to be at a fancy place. I am looking forward to the good food there and the fun of chatting with Ang in a grown-up setting.

All these things make me happy. It was a good day. Some strong emotions were present, but it was a good day.

Oh, and my sister Ruth just told me that So You Think You Can Dance starts tonight. That's definitely a happy thought!

Cruel Cosmic Trick

I feel like my body has played a cruel cosmic trick on me.

I started spotting (bleeding a little) this morning so I called my Dr. He took a look, and sounded optimistic. My uterus is just the right size for a 10 week pregnant person. My hormone levels are just where they should be, etc. But he sent me to have a sonogram just to be sure. During the sonogram, I saw the little sack where my baby should be. It is a black void. Nothing is in it. No baby ever actually grew. My body thinks there's a baby in there, so it's doing all the normal things, but there's no baby. Never was. No "blueberry".

I feel jipped. Tricked. Betrayed.

We're hoping that my body will take care of this itself in the next few days/week. If it doesn't I may need a D&C. But I am carrying on with my trip to Utah. A restful, fun couple of days seems like just the right thing right now.

Facts

Every time one of my children says "Mooooom?", some more of the life blood drains out of me. It's slowly killing me.

Isaiah saw an Ear, Nose, Throat specialist today who declared that Isaiah has no physical or medical reason for not speaking. Next step: evaluations by a speech therapist and a child development specialist.

Our insurance won't pay for the above mentioned speech therapist or child development specialist because Isaiah has no "physical anomaly" causing his lack of speech.

Naomi only has two days of school left before "graduation" from Preschool.

I only have one full day left before I leave for Utah. Alone. For 4 days. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

They are re-surfacing the road in front of our house. It is very, very loud and kept me from napping at nap time today. But the constant parade of dump trucks, diggers, and all kinds of machinery is so exciting to Asher that it's worth it.

Spell checker isn't working. I have no idea if I spelled "anomaly" correctly. I'm guessing I didn't.

The Judge of a Good Saturday

see video

When I asked Asher why he chose that location for his nap, he replied "Because Mommy can get me." I have no idea what that means.

(And, yes, that's a pink blanket in Isaiah's crib. Aunt Kelly (A) made it for Naomi a long time back and Isaiah chose it as his favorite. He won't sleep with anything else at night. He has a different blanket that is his favorite for naptime which is much more manly.)

They hatched!

Our Mommy Bird's babies arrived! It's twins!

Those are NOT attractive babies, in my opinion. But I'm sure they'll grow up to be beautiful.

Sunshine and Birdies

We've been busy basking in the mild sunshine around here. The last few days have finally been rain-free and in the mid-70's. These are the days that make me love living in Virginia. Spring. Ahhhhh. We've watched almost no TV, the kids are happy and tired at nap time, the carpet is a mess from all the in and out, the windows are streaming sunshine in, we all got our first sun-kissed-cheeks today. It's just perfect.

As a nice little Spring treat for us, a robin has built it's nest above the light right outside our front door. The kids love to greet her as we come and go. Naomi calls her our pet. Her name is officially "Mommy Bird". We don't hear any little cheep-cheep's yet, but we're sure we will soon.

I tried to get a pic of her in her nest, but she doesn't really like it when we walk out the front door and she flys away to protectively watch as we load in the van. But by the time I've got the van in reverse, she's back in her nest.

My Artist

Naomi (age 5 1/2) drew a gallery-worth of art for me for Mother's Day. She worked on it at each nap time for a week leading up to the special day. She has such amazing attention to detail. Eyelashes, shoes, accessories, flowers, etc. But then she leaves off features that she can't confidently draw well (like noses). It makes her drawings look all the more professional, in my humble, unbiased opinion. Those hip artists are always doing crazy things like leaving noses off.

Here is a little video of her describing a few of my favorites. The first drawing is apparently a wedding party. The second is a group of us in church. - But she'll tell you all about it.

And here's some stills of the same pictures in the video:

I think we need a close-up of those sweet little cousins...

This is my entry in We Heart Art over at Three Bay B Chicks. Go over there to check out some more talented artists of all ages.

Isaiah's Birthday/Mother's Day

As peaceful as my Saturday was, that's how crazy our Sunday was. Richard and I were both teaching at church, it was Isaiah's birthday, and Mother's Day. And, since I had taken 6 hours off the day before, the house was kind of a disaster. But we pulled it all together and had a nice day anyway. The Worth's came over for dinner and the men cooked us a yummy meal. So the women sat down to relax. Except, what happens when Mommy sits down? The kids attack!

After dinner we started the birthday festivities. And about 10 minutes later they concluded. Poor Isaiah got kind of jipped. It was late by then and so we just had time enough to down a cupcake and open presents then it was off to bed for the kids. But, ya know, he's 2. He probably won't be scarred for life (unless he reads this). Happy Birthday, my baby. I just want to eat you up on a daily basis!

Here he is shoving in the frosting of the cupcake (no cake - just frosting).

And here he is drooling chocolate. He got the chocolate from "under the plates" (a Worth birthday tradition).

A squishy football...

The Little People Airplane (the biggest hit)...

A dog that you pull behind you on a string and it wags it's tail and such...
(pic from the next morning)

Don't you love how little kids crouch like this? It's just so cute!

Happy Birthday, Poochy! We're so glad you're in our family. We're better people whenever you're around.

Bliss

I just got back home after being away, alone, for more than 6 hours! 6 hours of total peace! I got a haircut, ate, read my book, shopped, ate, saw a movie, ate. It was wonderful. What a great hubby I have. Happy Mother's Day to me!!!

And Happy Mother's Day to all of you, too!

Impulse Buy

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Look what accidentally found it's way into my stroller today at the mall. (I mean, ya know, after I paid for them, of course.)

But is it really an impulse buy if I've been wanting them for about a year now?

Ok, fine. It is still an impulse buy. But it's one I'm pretty happy with.

Blessed

Let me share what's been on my mind lately. Not exactly shockingly, it relates to Motherhood. I suppose I could save this to share on Mother's Day, but Isaiah's birthday is that day too, so I'll probably be blogging about that then.

In the book I'm reading (the name of which I won't even mention because it's a stupid, no-thought-involved novel) the woman reads her mother's diary and discovers that she had always wanted to be a nurse, but that she had set that desire aside to stay home and support her family. The mother, in her diary, even expresses her desire to not work because she wants to be a "helpmate" for her husband. The daughter, upon reading this, is outraged on behalf of her mother. She actually claims to be mourning on behalf of her mother for this lost dream of hers. And even after the mother reassures her that she has no regrets, the daughter is still totally sad and outraged. Oh, and the daughter is also a mother to two older children of her own.

As I was reading this, I realized how truly blessed I am. I have always had a strong desire to be a mother. I have not ever had any desire to be anything else (except, occasionally I admit to having the desire to be on a beach in Hawaii - but I'd still be a Mom, just a Mom on vacation!). I don't struggle with feelings of "Oh I wish I'd..." or "What if I'd just..." I am overjoyed that my life has, so far, turned out just the way I'd have planned it. (OK, fine, if I was really planning it I'd have more money and live in the North West, and some wonderful high school girl would stop by my house for two hours every afternoon to play with my kids and scrub toilets.)

I am blessed to have these children. And to love them deeply. And to want more of them. My life is pretty much my very own kind of fairy tale.

Disclaimer: I am not, in any way, claiming that I walk around, literally on Cloud 9, all day. But, irregardless of my daily ups and downs, I still feel overwhelmingly blessed.

List

Things I've been busy doing:
Craving Taco Bell burrito's and nacho's
Making a cute Spring banner for the kitchen
Rotating the winter clothes out
Stocking up on new summer clothes for Asher and Naomi (Isaiah will be wearing what Asher did last year of course)
Getting acquainted with the Young Women in my ward and my new calling
Taking care of Richard who is having foot problems (he'll be working from home for at least the next week)
Trying not to go insane while it rain's day after day (the sandbox is taunting Asher every day that he can't go out there)
Being called "Mommy Captain" by Asher (not sure why or where it came from)
Planning "rainy day" activities for the kids - like Twister. Check out Naomi's mad skillz.

New Giveaway Site

My loyal readers know, I'm a big fan of Bloggy Giveaways and their Carnival. But, there is no more Bloggy Giveaways, and therefore, no more Carnival. I was very sad to hear that (although I can totally understand because it must have been a LOT of work to keep that up).

But today I heard that a new site is taking over the Carnival! So, introducing, the Ultimate Blog Carnival on LiveGiveaways.Com! I'm sure it'll take a few Carnival's for this one to be as big and well known as the last, but I'm so glad somebody took over.

I've decided not to join this time, since I didn't hear about it until today, but I thought you all might like the head's up so you can go win some goodies!