Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Some Thoughts

*These are very personal thoughts. Some people, I suppose, could be offended or think I'm crazy for sharing these. I guess I'm just not really a private person.*

So, my body has not "taken care of things itself" as we hoped it would. I am scheduled to have a D&C on Thursday. My dear friends in the ward have stepped up by the mounds and offered much help. The kids will have a fun day, and not really even be aware that anything is going on with Mommy. We'll just tell them something like "Mommy is a little sick and needs to go to the Dr.". I have an appointment tomorrow to talk through the details with my Dr. I'm relieved to know it will be him who actually performs the procedure because I trust him completely.

I've felt a little like there's a time-bomb set inside of me and I'm just waiting for it to go off. Sometimes I just hope it will blow and get it over with. Other times I'm relieved that I'm just having a "more sure" surgery to deal with it. Either way, I'm glad to see an end in sight.

In some ways, this has been easier to deal with for me than a baby who didn't live long enough to see the world. But it's still some seriously heavy emotion. I still feel pretty ripped off and hurt. 10 weeks is certainly long enough to "fall in love" with whatever is in your belly. Just because it turned out to be nothing but tissue and such, doesn't mean I don't still feel a loss of love. I'm so glad I had the time in Utah to deal with the heavier side of my feelings. Now I feel like I can focus on the arrangements and such that need to be taken care of for me to take another "day off" Motherhood.

I am very comforted by the thought that it has, so far, been pretty easy for me to get pregnant. We'll just take this as a small step back, and try again soon. I hope and pray that the Lord will continue to bless me with fertility so that I can continue to bring His sweet little souls to this Earth and raise them the best I can. This only makes me more determined to get my "big family" that I desire.


Jessica said...

I'm glad you wrote down your feelings, as it helps others who have gone through the same thing. It's nice to know how others feel the same/different.

SewsCute said...

I am so sorry. It it nice to "hear" your feelings. I hope that you are feeling better. A D&C is not fun. I had to be induced in my 5th month with baby #2. It was a sad and heart twisting time. But time does heal. I can remember now without sadness and thank my Heavenly Father for the experience. I pray you get your big family and your procedure goes well.

ladyshanae said...

*big hugs for you*

I'm sorry you have to go through all of this but it is good for you to write out those feelings. I love ya lots hon. I'll be thinking of you tomorrow!

angela michelle said...

these are great thoughts. I think you have a fantastic perspective. 10 weeks is definitely long enough to fall in love! you are dealing with a loss, but I know you'll be back in the saddle again soon. Good luck tomorrow! Love you!

Spencer and Kami said...

I am touched that you would share your feelings - You are in our prayers and I hope everything went well yesterday.


Rebecca said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. I appreciate the feelings you share and hope all goes well.