Laundry

What to do when you have mountains of laundry to fold but the baby insists on you being in his sight?
Include him in the laundry process, of course!

Fall Leaves

I finally figured out why my pictures are coming out so washed out. There's a huge slimy fingerprint on the lens! So pardon the quality of these, but I think they're still pretty dang cute.






After 4 Fall's of owning our home, I finally figured out the best way to deal with the Fall leaves in our yard. Play in them one day, then pay somebody else to clean them up the next day. But it drives me crazy that everyone insists on cleaning the leaves up so soon. I want to keep enjoying them for a couple of weeks! They're just so gorgeous. And I feel like they're a farewell to color before the long, colorless Winter. So what's the rush?

Out of Town

Richard has been going out of town a lot lately. Excessively, really. But he's had several great opportunities that he just couldn't pass up, so off he went. When he's going to be out of town for a while, I make arrangements (like when his sister Karen came to stay with us recently and in a couple of weeks my sister and Mom are coming while he's gone). But for most of his trips I just muddle through while he's away. I talk to him on the phone, and the kids Skype with him at night sometimes. On this last trip he even read them bedtime stories over Skype.

When I talk to Richard while he's out of town he's usually sitting alone in a hotel room. Often he has an evening of work ahead of him. And I have an evening of baby-ness ahead of me. And I usually can't help but think how much I'd like to switch places with him. How much I'd like to be the one all alone in a quiet room - even if I had to work while I was there.

So this weekend I get my wish. This weekend I am going "out of town". My ward is having their Super Saturday (a mega-crafty morning) until noon, then I'm just not going home afterward. I think I'll go see a movie, go out to lunch, do some shopping, hit the outlet mall, go out to dinner, then I am going to check into a hotel all alone. And I'll sit in a quiet room by myself (with no work to do!). I figure that by that evening I'll be pretty lonely. And I think that's great! I can't wait to feel lonely! I'll sleep all night with no interruptions. I'll get dressed the next morning without running downstairs three times to break up fights. Then I'll meet my family at church and resume normal life.

...Just thinking about it almost gives me goose bumps I'm so excited for it.

Here's to going "out of town"!

Sleep

Take a minute and think about where you sleep. I assume you're now thinking about your bed. Now think about all the places that you don't sleep. Are you like me in that you can't sleep on an airplane? Too many people around. How about a bus? Or some other public place? It's a little creepy, right? Sleeping when you know other people could be looking at you. I don't even like falling asleep on my own couch during the day if I know Richard is walking around awake in the house. It's just weird.

Now think about babies. They sleep everywhere. Planes, buses, grocery stores, church, the car, whatever. And their favorite place is generally in their Mama's arms. Because that's where they feel safest. Not alone in a bed, but snuggled deep into the arms of the person they love the most.

It sure does feel good to be that person who Sammy loves the most. It feels good to be depended on. It feels good to be loved so unabashedly and publicly and innocently. Even when I'm exhausted from the day and rocking Sammy seems a little like torture in my exhausted state, it still feels so good to be so loved by him.

Sammy's Blessing

Sammy had a special day on Sunday. His blessing day was a beautiful, sunny, crisp Fall day. Richard blessed him in church, with his Dad (Sammy's Grandpa) and brother Kevin (Sammy's Uncle) and several friends from church. Sammy was blessed with love by many people, health, faith, and a desire for good. It was a beautiful blessing.

And he looked absolutely adorable for it in the outfit that his Grandma Ashurst made. Asher and Isaiah wore the same outfit. Sammy is the only one who actually really fit in the hat.





It was mentioned in his blessing how anxiously we waited for Sammy's little spirit to join his body here on Earth. I still feel lucky every day that we pulled off this great feat. Sammy is truly our miracle.

The Breaking Point

I think everybody has a certain point at which they can no longer handle "it". Usually, for me, that point is pretty far away as far as dealing with life as it comes at me. But there's one way that I know is a sure way to have that point be a lot closer to me - not getting enough sleep. When I'm a little short on sleep, I have a very short fuse. I am impatient and frustrated. When I'm a lot short on sleep, I cry. A lot. About everything.

I mean, really, ridiculously a lot. About really, truly any little thing. And as I'm crying I know that it's ridiculous and not worth the energy of the cry - but that doesn't really matter. Knowing that what you're crying about is silly, doesn't really help you stop crying. It does sometimes help me move on more quickly after the crying is done.

So today I exploded into tears several times. And moved on. Knowing that nap time was just around the corner. At nap time I fed the baby, watched the end of a show, and settled in for a nap of my own. I had a glorious hour left to sleep before Naomi got home from school. ... 10 minutes later Sammy started crying. So I picked him up, snuggled him in to my naptime cocoon of blankets on the couch, and drifted back to sleep. ...2 minutes later he started crying again. And wouldn't stop. So I cried. And the more Sammy cried, the more I cried, until finally we were both just laying on the couch sobbing.

And then Richard came to the rescue. He took Sammy away and let me sleep. He greeted Naomi when she got home. He shushed the boys as they came down from nap time. He fed them a snack. And he did it all while holding still-grumpy Sammy.

He's my hero.

So now, after more than an hour's sleep, I can face the rest of the day. My breaking point has scouched a little further away from me. And maybe I won't even cry anymore! (today)

(I'm filing this post under "For Posterity". I know it's kind of a depressing post, but I also think these feelings are such a big part of my life right now, that they should be remembered.)

Halloween 2010

Naomi the fairy
Asher the spider
Isaiah the dalmation
Sammy the frog
Mommy the gypsy
Daddy the pirate

First Asher and Isaiah marched in their preschool parade. Asher was sure that he was too cool to march in the parade this year until his teacher reminded him that they get candy along the parade route.

Isaiah loved the idea of parading around in his costume. Too bad he wouldn't wear his puppy dog ears - most people thought he was dressed as a cow. While he marched in the parade he yelled out to me as he passed, "I love you! I love you! I love you!". It got quite a crowd reaction.Naomi's favorite part of her costume was that I put makeup on her.
I made Sammy's hat! Ribbit!
Here's the big kids at the church trunk or treat. This was actually the only trick or treating we did this year. Richard went out of town Sunday afternoon, and I wasn't about to go door to door with four kids and no help. So on Sunday I just let the kids answer the door. They were just as excited about that as the real trick or treating. There was a complicated system for figuring whose turn it was to open the door and who got to hold the bowl.
Richard put a lot of work into his costume. A hat, an eye patch, and his belt around the outside of his shirt. He had lots of fun "arrrrggghhh"ing at all the other pirates.
What does it say about me and my personal style that I could throw together a gypsy costume out of things in my closet that I really do wear regularly in real life?

Sammy Smiles

I know it's a blurry, low quality image (taken by my cell phone), but here's one of Sammy's first smiles. They're still hard to come by and very fleeting, but that's Mama's gold, baby!

Growth and Change

This is Sammy as of this morning. He is wearing (just barely) the outfit he came home from the hospital in. He was swimming in it then - length wise and around the middle - and now he's squeezed into it like a sardine. What a big boy!

In other news, I'm going to have to stop nursing and I'm feeling a little sad about that. I keep having problems with clogged ducts and such (I'll spare you the details) and just can't do it anymore. I need to feel physically healthy. It's been six months since I was "normal" for heaven's sake! So goodbye to not-really-stinky diapers and sweet smelling burps. And hello to stinkier diapers, stinkier burps, and rows of dirty bottles on the kitchen counter. Oh well. I did my best to make it work.

Aunt Karen and Baby Jessica

Richard went on a week long business trip last week. so to help me out we asked Richard's little sister, Karen to come visit. The perk of asking Karen is that she has a new baby, Jessica, that we were dying to meet. She was a great help and loads of fun. The kids love Karen and instantly fell in love with Jessica, too. Who wouldn't? It was so great to get to just sit and talk with Karen (while both of us nursed our babies) for hours. Thanks for coming, Karen. We love you!

Pumpkinville 2010

This is our third year of going to Pumpkinville on the preschool field trip. First Naomi, then Asher, and this year Asher and Isaiah. Each year I've made a photo book which has turned the trip into legend at our house. Isaiah knew more about Pumpkinville before he ever went there than you would have thought possible. So we were all really looking forward to it. And it totally lived up to our expectations, as always. It was a little chilly with a brisk wind, but that just made it more Fall-y!

Motor Mouth and Smarty Pants

Yesterday was our church Primary Program. Naomi and Asher both had a little part. Asher got to say, "Jesus Christ always obeyed Heavenly Father." Naomi got to sing "I Feel My Savior's Love" with two other girls. Naomi and Asher sat up on the stage in the chapel since they had parts. That put me in the rare position of only having Isaiah and Samuel with me. So you would think that would mean it was a relaxing Sacrament meeting, but no. First there was a bathroom incident that ended with me cleaning an entire stall. Then at one point Isaiah heard somebody on the stand refer to the Holy Ghost and he started saying, "The Holy Ghost?" very loudly in this totally incredulous voice. Repeatedly. I guess he hadn't really thought of that phrase before and thought it was funny that we were talking about ghosts at church.

Isaiah really is quite a motor mouth these days. He's just always talking or singing or humming or "boom boom boom"ing. I'd say we understand about 75% of what he says (but sometimes it takes 3 or 4 tries before we figure it out).

Then later in the day at dinner, Aunt Karen (who is visiting for the week) said to Naomi, "Which would you rather have, nine dimes or five quarters?" Asher piped right up and said, "Both!" He is such a clever boy. He asks very intelligent questions and wants to know about everything. He loves to sit next to me and ask how things work. He loved when Grandpa Ashurst was here and could ask him all kinds of questions.

It's fun to see these two boys move down their developmental tracks together. I remember just about a year ago that Asher was at the phase Isaiah is now. ...They grow up fast.

Not Exactly Professional

These photos are from my latest attempt at getting remotely professional looking shots. As you can see, I pretty much failed. But, professional-looking or not, they're still cute! Where's my friend Erica when I need her?

6 Weeks

Samuel is 6 weeks old today!

Samuel is sleeping longer at night, only waking me up once. I feed him around 10pm, then he wakes me up around 3:00am for a feeding, then he sleeps until 7:00am when I am waking up anyway. Only having to wake up once mid-night sure does make a difference as far as feeling more sane. I actually haven't broken down into ridiculous tears for more than a week!

He still has several of his newborn quirks, which we love. For example, he sneezes in fives, gets the hiccups practically hourly, and lets us know he's hungry by lapping up air like a kitten laps milk.

Richard and I bought a new, King size bed last week. It was quite a few drama-filled days trying to pick out new bedding that we were both happy with. And after all that, we still have to agree on a headboard. But the endless mind-changing is all worth it since I can now roll over in my own bed whenever I want, regardless of how Richard is positioned. It's fabulous!

The new bedding:Moving up to a King size bed means we had to sell our Queen size sleigh bed. It's such a beautiful bed that we really were sad to let it go. It was given to us as a wedding present by a very generous co-worker of mine. I feel a little bit like I'm selling an heirloom, but we just don't have anywhere to keep it. I hope the next owner loves it like we do.

The old bed:
I got a haircut last week that I hate. It's just a chin-length bob, but it somehow makes me look simultaneously 60 and 8 - and I'm neither! The first second I have available to escape, I'm getting another haircut. And that won't be soon enough for me!

We've got a slow-spreading, but fast hitting sickness going through the family. There's a fever and a sore throat, but the time inbetween one person getting it and the next seems to be like 4 days. So just when Naomi was over it, Asher got it. We haven't had a normal everybody-to-school day in more than a week. Which means I keep missing my "just me and Sammy" days. I miss that. ...Maybe Friday...

Richard is going out of town for a week starting on Friday. To help me out while he's gone, his sister Karen is coming from Utah to stay with us. We can't wait to see her and meet her baby Jessica. And we're looking forward to a fun trip to Pennsylvania the weekend that Richard gets back. And our 9 year anniversary is that week, too. So there's lots to look forward to.

Contradiction

I have two possible blog post topics rolling around my head.

The first is about the feelings of miraculousness that I have when I hold my sweet Samuel. The way that I melt when I look into his tiny, angelic face. His perfect, dark eyes. His miniature toes. His soft skin. His millions of accidental facial expressions - especially the one where he looks totally perplexed and even has rows of wrinkles on his forehead.

The second is about the feelings of frustration that I have when I hold my discontented Samuel for an hour straight and get nothing done all day because I feed him, hold him, take 10 minutes to rest, and then it's time to feed him again.

Having a little guy is tough. He doesn't know how to calm himself down and fall asleep when he's tired. He had major gas pains that leave him howling in agony after multiple feedings a day. And when he does sleep, I want to rest, too, not promptly get to work. Just when I'm feeling like I could get up and do something, he wakes up. I plan around his feeding schedule, but he isn't really on that set of a schedule yet.

...He just started crying again. I guess that means I'm done blogging.

But there is that whole "he's a total miracle" thing, too. It's a good thing. Otherwise this would SO not be worth it!

{read that last sentence with a good dose of humor.}

One Month Birthday

Today is Sammy's one month birthday. One month ago he weighed 6 lbs, 8 ozs. Today he weighs 8 lbs, 12 ozs. He's longer, too - but I didn't measure how much. His little cheeks are chunking out nicely. His legs are getting a little meat on them. His fingers and toes look like he needs some serious moisturizer because he's constantly growing out of his skin. He's such a big boy. Last night he slept an entire 5 1/2 hours! (Hooray for me!) We adore him.

Scene

Scene from our house yesterday:

I am sitting on the couch, nursing Samuel. Beside me, Isaiah is pretending to nurse Asher. Beside him, Asher is pretending to nurse a pretend platypus.

Sometimes it gets a little weird around here.

Boys

My sister, Angela, was just teasing me that I may be "back", as my last post was titled, but I'm certainly not back to blogging. Hey, life is busy! ... I'm just not quite sure what I'm so busy doing since it seems like I reach the end of the day and I've done nothing. I guess when you spend 6 hours a day sitting on a couch feeding a baby, it leaves little time for much else. Anyway, I'll try to do better. I do want to document these crazy times.
Samuel is doing great still. We've hit a few bumps with feeding, but nothing major. He's growing so fast still. At his 2 week appointment he had gained exactly one pound from his birth weight, and I'm sure he's continued to grow since then. His cheeks are filling out! I can't wait until he gets good and chubby!

Naomi is loving first grade still. She especially loves that they do art, music, gym, and Spanish. Her teacher is fabulous and even made a personal visit to our house since I hadn't been able to make it to the school to meet her.
Asher is becoming the sweetest boy ever. He is such a peacemaker in our home, especially with Isaiah. And he's is loving his preschool much, much more than he did last year. I think part of that is that he has very enthusiastic teachers, and part of it is having out-grown his grumpy phase. He loves to do the craft projects this year, which he flat out refused to do a lot of the time last year.

I guess Asher replaced Isaiah as the sweetest boy ever, so Isaiah has adopted the role of trouble maker extraordinaire. He is pouty and defiant. The real problem, though, is that he's still so darn cute that it's hard to discipline him. He's loving preschool, too.
And I feed the baby. That's all. ...Well, not really, but that's how it feels some days. I'm slowly re-claiming my house, cupboard by cupboard. I miss Naomi when she's off at school, but it's fun to have time with just me and the boys. I'm dreaming of going to see a movie in a real movie theatre. And I'm wishing my husband would stop working long enough to hang out with me.

My THREE boys, playing at the kitchen table:
Richard is working. A lot! He's great about helping with the pick-ups and drop-offs and breakfast and dinner, but he swoops in, helps, and swoops back off to work much faster than I'd like. Now that I'm up and about, I want to hang out with my awesome hubby! But hopefully this crazyness won't last much longer.

I'm Back

I can't believe the change in myself just from the beginning of this week til now. I felt so un-capable at the start of this week. I felt completely overwhelmed. I was sure that *if* I did live through the week, it would be the hardest week of my life.

But I lived. Because I talked to my doctor and he basically told me that I should just get over it. Ya know, nicely. I asked if all that I was feeling was normal or if the pain meant I had done too much. And he told me it was normal. And that's all I needed to hear, I guess. If I have to live with some pain, fine. I can do that. But I was just so ... freaked out, I guess, by how different the recovery from a C-section was that I couldn't see past the pain.

But now that I've been told to get over it, I've moved on. I'm fine. There's still pain, and it's not like I'm running marathons or even up and down the stairs. But I feel much more able to handle life as it comes now. ... All just because I was told to.

So this week I've done a slew of things that I honestly haven't done in four months. I showered and dressed and put on make-up every single day. I did laundry. I did dishes. I put the kids to bed up in their rooms. I made and served dinner to the family. I shopped - by myself, with just Samuel and with all the kids. I threw a birthday party for Richard with decorations and such. I straightened this or that which have been ignored for months.

And it all felt so good! And exhausting! I'm certainly not 100% yet, but after months of such limitations, even 30% seems like a lot!

I'm glad to be back.

Different

My Mom and Dad left town yesterday after their week-long visit. When they left, I really felt like I couldn't handle life without them. This recovering from a c-section is so very, very different from anything I've experienced before. It's weird to have just had my fourth child-birth experience and still be so clueless about what to expect. I've never been on strong pain-killers for so long in my life. I spent a whole 10 days relying heavily on Percocet to be able to move! I finally feel like I can get by with just frequent Advil dosing. Wearing pants is tricky because they seem to want to push on the incision site (not to mention my oddly shaped backside!). And to top all that off, I'm just plain exhausted from feeding a newborn every 3 hours.

But, despite my feelings that I wouldn't be able to handle it, I am handling it. - With a lot of help from Richard and our friends still, of course. - We'll make it just fine. Sure, we'll have a very low standard set for ourselves, but we'll make it work. Sadly, we only get to keep the nanny this week and then she's found another job. But she was only going to come on Tuesday and Thursday mornings anyway since the boys have Preschool Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.

If this post so far seems a bit like I'm trying to convince myself that I'm OK just as much as I'm trying to convince you, you're right on. I do need some convincing. I don't really feel entirely sure that I can handle it. I know in my head that I can - but ... let's just say the hormones with this pregnancy and birth have been a whole new (huge) ball of wax, too.

The one thing that has gone totally right - even more so than could possibly have been expected - is Samuel. He really is a perfect gentleman so far. He eats great, he sleeps great, and he's so freakin' cute it's unbelievable. Nursing has gone wonderfully from the very beginning. He occasionally goes four hours between feedings at night. He has some awake time each afternoon to get ready for night time. He's perfect.

*sigh* Patience. I know. Patience.

Open Eyes

Proof that he's still perfect. And that he can open his eyes.

The Blur

The blur of pain, sleep, feedings, hospital visits, emotional breakdowns, drugs, etc.

A C-section sure is way, way harder to get over than a vaginal birth. Ick. Plus coming off of bed rest for four months left me with swollen limbs and a headache every time I stand up for too long.

A few days after I got home from the hospital I realized I had this crushing headache that was just getting worse and worse. Eventually I couldn't even stand up because of the pain. Apparently my epidural had left a little hole in my spinal cord. It happens sometimes. So I spent an afternoon at the hospital getting a "blood patch" (they took my blood out of my arm and injected it near the epidural so that the blood would clot and help me heal).

Then at Sammy's first doctor's appointment I had a little emotional breakdown that freaked all the nurses and doctors out and was totally humiliating. Just minutes before, the doctor had been lecturing me about how normal hormone fluctuations are - so why did she freak out when I burst into tears at the thought of taking Samuel back to the hospital to have his Billirueben tested? (Which, by the way, was totally fine.)

Richard and my Dad have both also had health issues this week that have sent them to the doctors. And the boys had their routine check ups. So nearly everybody has seen a doctor this week. Sheesh.

About a week after being born Samuel realized there was an option other than sleep or eat. He opened his eyes a little more often and started having some awake time. He is still totally cute and perfect. No change there!

I am finally feeling like maybe there is a way I can handle this on my own. Which is good since my parents go back to their house in far, far away Texas tomorrow. *sigh* Can't they stay and take care of us forever?